Showing posts with label forest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forest. Show all posts

Thursday, September 4, 2008

in my element

The summer had burned with some fire bright
borne of consuming the forest.
It brought to my attention was was brittle.
I borrowed it to burn, and tired of tending to it thereafter.

I fueled those flames for too long.
I have left them behind
but still he bites at my pride
and he begs for embraces.

Then
the rush.
Calm, quenching
all-encompassing.
It came quickly, in frothing expanses
vast stretches of sea, wide arms of ocean
a thousand leagues below, above, beyond.
It wrapped ash and steam in one swift wave
and swept them away.

I forsake forest and flame for the flow.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

shitty screamo band

You were never one to make the first move.
It was only during your most desperate moments that you were as selfless and attentive as you should've always been. As open and vulnerable as you never should have feared being.
But I never really had a problem with kissing you first.
Being the one to reach for your hand or initiate a hug.
Holding your gaze,
and your face in my hands,
trying to convey the true extent of my feelings,
trying to express just how deeply I felt for you through as many facets as I could.




Last first day of high school! It went pretty typically. Long, boring assembly, skewed schedule for the rest of the day. I was really happy to see Mallory and Sam and Anna. Oh, and I have great teachers this year. I'm in a bit of a rush to complete some character analyses so this will be a fairly short entry, but my schedule is basically worker class slacker class worker class slacker class and then three heavenly hours (not sarcasm) of Health Occupations with the angel that is Mrs. Allgood. Lives up to her name, that's for damn sure. So I'm extremely pumped for the year, and I will provide further details soon.

Hunter didn't weigh too heavily on my heart while I was preoccupied at school. He set back in as soon as I came home, though. This feels just like the end of junior year. Go to school, hunky dory. Come back home, blue again.

Bah. Waiting, waiting. Same ol', same ol'.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

heart hungover

Morning after is always the toughest.

I had an interesting dream last night. I was helping a group of friends infiltrate some kind of vampire clan while they were having a banquet, and I had to turn into a vampire to do it. It was in the basement of an abandoned building. I had to wear a hooded cape that hid my entire body, and a black satin dress that was ruched and fitted in the perfect places. In fact, the only thing I wore that wasn't black were a pair of deep red stilettos. Damn, I would love to have those shoes in real life. And the dress too, for that matter.

Anyway, I arrived at the banquet and drank some kind of sweetened, diluted grape juice mixed with blood from a crystal goblet while making small talk with old, veteran vampires. They kept talking about how they were literally and figuratively femme fatale in their younger years. They all had very long, silver hair and dark eyes that were so red I thought they were black until the dim light from the candle chandeliers illuminated them. Everyone had on a pair of the same stilettos, but they wore red lipstick to match, and I didn't have any lipstick on.

Before I left I had to donate ten dollars to the cause of their cremation (I guess vampires aged in my dream) but I got the money wrong. The 1 dollar bills they used were the same as ours, but the embellishments along the borders were bright turquoise, and for some reason 5 dollar bills were just holographic cards with the number 5 on them.

So apparently this information about the money was key to my investigation, and after making a flimsy excuse about how I'm terrible with money and had gotten mine mixed up with human money, I left. They apparently let the younger vamps leave earlier because we had humans to seduce anyway. There weren't any men there, aside from who I assume was Dracula sitting at the end of the table looking sullen.

Afterwards my friends and I regrouped at someone's apartment and had some long-winded discussion about the import of what I'd discovered. Then someone in the group commented that I look very fitting as a vampire. They said they still saw me in my eyes. I looked in the mirror and saw that despite the fact my eyes had gone from brown to an eerie light red, I still had the green spirals. Then I woke up.

I can't understand why I had a vampire dream. I don't read the Twilight series. I'm actually an avid anti-fan. It was really neat, though.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

oh dear god

if I see one more thing passively directed at me I'm going to burst into tears






why do you like to make things so ridiculously difficult

why do I post so many entries in one day




I was doing just fine because I thought you hated my guts, and I could accept that. I don't want you to leave. I just want you to accept the way I love. I want you to be patient with me the way I'm patient with you.



I want to talk.











I guess I'll just give things some time, like always

BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH

for the record

That "competition" you referred to never existed, but people who wanted to be with me did.

I just didn't tell you because you wouldn't understand. Besides, I could just never consider them competition.

I love you too much.

Scoff all you want.




It sucks, because out of every guy I know, you're the only one who can't appreciate me and how much I have to offer. And no, they don't just want to have sex with me. If the guy is smart enough to appreciate me, then he's not shallow enough just to want sex. And really, I'm no idiot. I would be able to tell if someone only wanted to get@that and blow.


Stop fighting via status and I'll stop bitching via blog.

Besides, you're the one who immediately ran back to...well. Need I say it?





Whatever, saw it coming. Miss you~

expletive

aw fuck.

Who am I kidding, I feel like shit.

burned away

So as soon as everything about my relationship and our separate ways to love becomes abundantly clear to me, ssshkapow. He breaks things off. I guess it was well-timed. I would've only suffered, I suppose...

This is sounding overly...neutral, considering. I am sad, the little bottle of sleeping pills sitting at the top of the computer monitor is representative of that. But both of my control centers, i.e. brain and heart, have either shut down or gone haywire, so I'm running on a reserve tank at the moment and obviously it's carefree and passively optimistic. Probably because it knows it has to combat a suicidal urge reflex. Flowers n' bunnies, flowers n' bunnies.

A new option has popped up, and his name's not Alex. I have to admit that he might be half the reason that I'm handling this so well, but I can't say I'm not just used to getting dumped. Anyway, that's all I care to divulge about him at the present time. I feel I must not neglect to mention that the actual Alex is coming through for me already via humorously themed texts, Breah's being supportive too, and I'm sure Jared will throw another party when I tell him. Mom will be home in fourteen days, too. So it's good. When my reserve tank runs out I'll have my safety net.

I know I'm playing the waiting game again, and normally I'm more conscious about what I do during breakups so I don't permanently screw any chances of getting back together, but fuck it if I can't seem to give a shit.

I'm gonna have some good, clean, fun.

A HELL of a lot of it.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

far reaches

You seem like some distant dream. Like I had only imagined you all along. I can trace the edge of your face in my mind's eye, the width of your back and the small pout of your mouth. You stand there, slouched and sullen, the contour of your youthful shape set afire by some light that I couldn't be less interested in the origin of.

You, the apple of my eye.
I, a stupid Snow White.

I want to touch you. You look like you'd burn right through me, but that's not an excuse, merely an observation. An observation that I'm going to wave away like a wispy tendril of smoke when it should be as ominous as a thick black thundercloud. I'm going to touch you anyway. Time and the consequent increased awareness has done nothing to stop me, it makes me feel the pain more acutely but I can't step away from the flame.

You flex absentmindedly and glance at me with an expression I can't read. I can never read you right away. We speak two different languages. We embody two different languages. They are written in our eyes, our movements, etched on our souls. We can convey them with the simplest glance, the slightest gesture. We are the masters of our respective tongues.

I have somewhat deciphered yours. You consider mine blasphemy; incomprehensible babble, and so you turn a deaf ear. The only language you've ever known was yours, and hers. It was screamed in your ears and clawed into your chest.

There was never a purer, sweeter sound, but all you hear are warbled chords. I can only hope that my eyes will speak volumes above my voice, that it will clear the static that separates us.





It is the angels' song


and it is the same in every language.

you're never gonna get it

never going to fucking get it.

and neither are you, or you, or you, or him, or her, or them, or those guys, or your mom, or his mom, or her mom, or their dog, or anyone at all, no one is going to understand





you don't get it at all
I can say it in ten languages and you still won't get it

anna bahebek
je t'aime
ich liebe dich
s'ayapo
es tev milu
ya vas lublu
ti amo
kocham cie
volim te
wo ai ne




Egyptian, French, German, Greek, Latvian, Ukrainian, Italian, Polish, Serbian, Mandarin












love might as well be a foreign language to you


but I've been teaching you for so long







how hard could it be?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

miscommunimacations

it's the last Saturday of my pre-senior summer. Slacker days oh-eight is oh-ver, and what have I accomplished? What have you accomplished?

I hope you know, and only deny.

Oh God, I hope you know. You don't even have to say it. Just stop saying it's something else. It's so easy to see. So easy to be.





Everything should be this easy.
You're the only person who could possibly make it difficult.








You're the only person I love.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

oddities

I've only been posting on odd-numbered days since August began. Tomorrow I'll try to get out of that pattern.

But what, really, is there to talk about? I guess I could recount the adventures of my subconscious.

Last night I had a dream that Hunter and two other guys asked me to hang out at the same time in three different places. Hunter wanted to go for a drive and stargaze. The other guy wanted to go to a classy, candlelit restaurant; the sophisticated kind of thing that you wear your little black dress to. The remaining guy invited me to a six-man game of paintball where I'd be used as a secret sniper, and then set on his back to shoot while he goes for the other team's flag. Which really sounds like something Alex would want to do, but I don't remember if it was Alex who asked to hang in the dream. I only remember being propositioned by three separate message boxes via MSN. It was some warm day in June, and they all wanted to pick me up at 8 p.m.

It seemed to be set a few years into the future, in some big city. That may have been why the other two guys didn't have names or faces applied to them, they just represented a general type of guy that I've only seen samples of so far. The classic romantic, the mischievous flirt, and the...Hunter. However the hell you categorize him.

In the dream, Hunter didn't know either of the others existed. Which is obvious, because I know that if he was ever aware of having any sort of competition he wouldn't have asked to hang out with me at all. He'd just sulk and hope that I come to him, and damn it if I always have. Bah. But anyhow, the other two knew of Hunter. One accepted Hunter's presence in my heart and openly did his best to win me over, and the other just showed off and pretended I was never preoccupied with anyone else to begin with.

I never decided.

I can't let Hunter get away with kicking back for the most part of this relationship anymore. I know what true devotion is supposed to feel like, and I'm not getting it. I don't want to show mine anymore if I can't have something in return.

That's just not how it's supposed to be.

I want to be kissed first. I want to be surprised. I want to hear so much autonomous sweet stuff that I don't even know I how to respond, and that's not because I want to be worshiped, but because when someone is in love they shouldn't be able to stop themselves from saying and doing something nice constantly. I want to be appreciated for every facet of my personality and the likes and dislikes that result from it. I want passion and intensity and a healthy dose of sentimental spontaneity. I want balance. I want to never have a thing to worry about. I want to never have a doubt in my mind. I want plans to fall into place instead of fall apart. I want to inspire soul-searching and self-improvement. I want everything to be expressed. I want to work through a problem without one harsh word. I want unwavering consistency, even through the toughest of times.

I want something real.
I don't think you can give it to me.





I wish you could.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

my peach

you were perfect in June.

But now it is August
and you have rotted.





What happened to the Hunter from the first month?



...

I want to list the changes but I can't do it.

















I feel like I've been alive for a thousand years

Friday, August 1, 2008

vying

I feel strange and disoriented, but happy to be where I am, like I've been spinning in circles and I've fallen in flowers and the sky is heaving around me but it's beautiful, it's brilliant, it's so blue, I'm so blue. I'm red and I'm yellow and so deep, deep blue







Ah, it's hard to keep my emotions in check. To keep that perpetual chill mode I've worked so hard to achieve. Then again, I don't think anyone can maintain total cool when things get so heated. But it's true, it will all work out eventually. I just need to keep going with the flow. We'll just have to see.



All of us.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

eggy

Breakfast always tastes better when you cook it yourself.

I keep losing the paper that I have all the things I need written on so I'm going to just copy everything here for future reference.

  • FF9
  • The Sylvia Plath books I lack
  • teeny tiny ceramic curling iron
  • teeth whitening strips
  • proper pin-up curl pins
  • Redken Curl Perfector

Those pins will be hell to sleep in, but bobby pins leave dents in the curls and I want to master this pin-up curl business to the point where my hair will look decent left down. I have the pins, books, and game all bookmarked from Amazon and once Mom gets home I'll just run it all by her. As for the strips and the Redken, I can hit up Walmart for that. Thank god they got that little salon in there now that sells professional stuff. Well, actually it's not a good thing. I have a hard time staying away from it when I have my own money to spend. I could buy it all, sometimes simply based on smell. I'm such pro-hair-product junkie...

I dunno how I'm going to break the news to my dad that I think the dog has eaten my retainer again. He already basically told me the last time I lost it to prepare to be bitched at if I make a habit out of losing it. So...I'm waiting for Mom to get home for that, too.

It sucks that I can never talk to him about this Hunter business. He bases everything off his previous pattern and every time we talk about it I just end up defending him and myself, so if I tell him what kind of crazy shit has been said he'll just act smug. I feel like I'm becoming a mini-version of Mom(which is probably I rely on her for back-up so much). I'm probably too hopeful for all of this, but I'm self-aware enough to dissect my father's strictly logic approach. So even though we argue from totally different viewpoints we can both get some valid points across. Although it's undeniable that if I ever cut my heart out of the equation and tried to defend Hunter objectively, I'd have a very flimsy argument...

This is seriously not something I want to deal with. Things should only be this horrible in overdone dramas. They just aren't supposed to be this hard, not without being scripted this way. I feel like I want to take a vacation away from everything and everyone. I would go with Ireland or something for the nature; rolling hills and privacy and such. But after seeing all those horror movies that take advantage of the isolation factor I'm not sure I'd have the balls to rent out some cottage and just chill there for a week without constantly thinking that some Rage-infected sheep is going to catapult through my window.

I don't even know if that whole anger infection business was set in Ireland, actually, but I vaguely remember some shot of a bunch of pissed off sheep running across some hills and how one of the heros ended up infected by a drop of blood in his eye and the rest of the survivors had to kill him. I know it's been more than three years since I've seen whatever movie that was because my room hadn't been reorganized yet, and I remember that because my bed was still in its former place and I wanted mom to sleep with me that night because the movie had scared the living hell out of me. .

Even though it's been overdone now, I always thought the insanity infection theme was pretty cool. It always managed to give me the creeps. I guess because everything you once knew as generally neutral suddenly becomes violent and deadly, and quick too. Giving a good thing a new negative connotation has always been scarier to me than the design of some entirely new species of killers.

I dunno, there's a lot in movies that can make me shudder. Imaginative gore will do the trick sometimes, just not the hack and slash stuff. Keyword here is imaginative. Like...ripping or twisting or skinning. Contorted bodies or voices or basically anything human becoming deformed and/or psychotic will usually do the trick if I really want to get creeped the fuck out.

I'm not sure how this entry ended up going from a shopping list, to the beginning of a whining session, to a discussion about horror elements. God, I'm boring.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

catalyst

I feel so hopeless but strangely hopeful at the same time. Kind of like when I hit that really low point a few months ago, soaping myself for thirty minutes. I guess my brain is doing everything it can to keep me from venturing toward darker thoughts. But this time it's a little different. I don't have that gaping wound feeling that I had when Hunter and I weren't a couple. I feel more like I'm carrying something very heavy instead.

I'm too tired to explain how fucked up things are. Maybe I'll rant some other day, but for now I'd rather just pretend I don't feel horrible.

It's pathetic and almost funny how the first thing I did when I burst out into tears was look over at the little Buddha statue on the bookshelf and scream "why." Well of course that's funny to one of my readers because he's fucking vicious and twisted and has the heartlessness of a serial killer.



me: the way you got so angry about the dress..
me: the reason my dad wants you to pay for that isn't because he wasted money! It's because you broke his daughter's heart and he doesn't want you to do it again! He needs some kind of proof that you even care about me enough to show it through something.
you: Really? I'll pay for that. I don't care.
me: I don't even know why you want to pay for it. It's pointless if you don't understand...
you: He's just whoring you out. For money.
me: He's not whoring me at all
you: Which is cool, I guess.
me: My father would never do that
you: He is. Like right now.
me: what's wrong with you!? He would NEVER do that !
you: He kind of... is.
me: He just wants to know if you're actually serious!
you: Hey, whatever makes you feel better about it.
me: and you won't even talk to him, so how else can he know?!
you: Yes, and to test this, money should be relevant to how much I care. :P Give it up, he's whoring you out. I think you know that.
me: No. I know that he only wants you to pay for the dress because he needs proof that you realize how much you owe my parents. How much you owe them, not in money, but in my heartache. Five months I spent totally heartbroken about you. Money isn't the focus here. You're barely compensating for all the pain.
you: So thats why I'm paying for a dress? LOL. I love your reasoning. I'll pay for your stupid dress, and your dad will have successfully whored you out for money.



When you can read this, and think that not one bit of what you said makes any sense -- or better yet, be disgusted by the way you thought and spoke to me -- then I'll...I'll...I don't know. I hardly have any hope left for my miracle; it would just be a waste of energy to think of what I would do if it ever happened. I don't even have a plan for what I'm going to do from this point.

I am such an idiot for even attempting to explain this. I should've known none of it would work. I guess I just needed to see if you're really as far gone as I think you are.

I don't know. And I'm so tired.

My heart is so heavy.

all right, I give

...I wish.

"we accept the love we think we deserve"

Why does that sound so ominous to me?

I don't think I'm so self-destructive that I would believe I actually deserve the most difficult relationship I could've picked. What's more, I'm starting to get flustered about this shitty hand that I've been dealt, and if I had truly convinced myself that this was all I deserved I would be sickeningly accepting of it. Which well, I have accepted it, but in kind of a bitter, regretful way. At any rate, I'm not like one of those crazy women who get beaten by their husbands and then blame themselves for it.

My brain feels like it's filled with static. I want to write some more shitty freeform poetry, but I feel like there's some kind of stressed blockage. I need to get my chill back. Normally I'm such a hippie as far as my take on life, but I've been feeling so tense and wound up. Somethin's killin' my groove, man.

I guess it's because death's closing in on all sides, and senior year's about to hit me like a train. I so shouldn't be this anxious about it. I won't really be forced to socialize all that much anyhow, I'll be scrubbing old people or studying the human body with the same group for half of every day and every other class is going to be all business anyway, so I guess there's really nothing to worry about. I think the only thing bothering me is the fact that I don't have my license yet...

Bah, it's whatever. I'll get it eventually.

I've got a shitload of housework to do so I'll be back with more to say later.

Monday, July 28, 2008

theme: restless

I feel like switching up my layout again but I'm not sure. I like the way other blogs look but once I apply it to mine, I don't like it anymore.


You were never mine, always hers
I knew you were into older women
but that's a pretty ripe peach to pick.
Well, I know you never picked her.
She didn't really pick you either.
You were an awful surprise
and now you're a slave.

I wish you had the strength
to drop this dry, sour peach
into the ocean and let it flail
flail like you did, like you do
she rocks you back and forth
with the thick, gnarled roots from whence she came
bending you in ways that humans were never meant to be bent
twisting your spine and thickening your skull
emptying your heart and eyes
I see the ocean in your eyes
winter green and cold as ice
and your withered soul
a speck in the distance

I wish I could save you, but I can't.
There was never an ocean in my eyes,
only dark, warm embers.
I can withstand fire
but I can't swim.

You can only save yourself.

Friday, July 25, 2008

the only thing I follow

Included, but not necessarily connected or organized in any manner in this passage: friends, family, feelings, favorites, home.


the old, ornate fixtures of temples
the reflection of my face in a car window
the cities that never sleep but forever dream
the glow and grandeur of skyscrapers
the hours of ceaseless sarcastic laughter
the effortless connection with someone new
the cutesy, original slang we create day to day
the smell of food and incense and culture
the warble of crowds and bustling street sounds
the young fashionistas and karaoke fiends that stroll the sidewalk
the irony of a street-stand surpassing gourmet restaurants
the occasional snore of speeding traffic while you try to sleep
the crowded buses and heavily air-conditioned taxis
the nooks and crannies in corners and alleys
the signs that don't light up properly anymore
the hidden treasures in tattered old buildings
the strange stuff they let you add to snocones
the fact that it isn't a cone at all, it's a bowl of ice
the nonsensical repartees and overused jokes
the hilarious texts and the heartbreaking ones
the obvious lack of interpersonal skills
the endless patience there is anyway
the family get-togethers
the friend get-togethers
the introspective nights alone
the soundtrack to my life
the rare moments of confidence
the rise and fall of your chest
the cliche'ness of that last statement
the vivid green of a gray, rainy day
the uncontrollable smiling
the times when things are good
the dry swipes of skin to skin
the goosebumps and gasps
the terrible photographs and wonderful memories
the miraculous metamorphosis of maturity
the all-together feeling of alliteration
the laid-back feeling of lack of punctuation
the long, jagged columns I come up with



the only structure this has
the only thing I follow








my heart



when life gives you lemons

seep and burn in the juice.

I feel like chugging Clorox bleach! Anyone want to take a guess as to why?

Hunter's pulling his "I'm not happy" bullshit when I've already denied all of his assumptions and proved my trustworthiness. A year ago today, I swore I'd never be a flirt again, and I've stayed true to my word. But no, he's still blaming me for making him paranoid and distrustful, when in anyone else's mind I should've already reversed that damage. What sucks the most is I'm not even surprised. Hunter never takes the blame. He'll blame everyone else around him for the little monster that he is, but he won't blame himself. Oh no. It's not his fault. Never his fault.

There are so many things wrong with him. Like I just said, he blames other people for causing him to have so many flaws, when he really just doesn't have the balls to accept that no one fucked him up but himself. He cannot empathize with all the pain I went through when he dumped me. He still can't accept that his reasons for ever breaking up with me, all three reasons, were flimsy and stupid. He's selfish. He blames me for being a worrywart about our relationship, when I have every reason to be, and he actually gave me the reasons to be. It's always HIS pain, MY fault, when it's really the other way around. But oh no, I'M the selfish one for thinking that. I was the one who cheated and shit, right? Bullshit, all I ever really did was talk to people! You want me to cheat?! I can show you cheating, buddy. I can give you a real problem to worry about. Fuck. Opportunities fell at my feet when we broke up last time. I wouldn't have to worry about feeling lonely, that's for fucking sure. It would be entirely your loss.

Damn it, I want nothing more than to brutally dump his childish, whiny little bitch ass right now, but it wouldn't help him achieve the enlightenment that I wish it would. He'd only use that against me when I inevitably take him back. And besides, I would never break anything off via internet. But even if I had him face to face, I just can't do it now. And definitely not as powerfully as I want to, i.e. sealed with a slap. I just can't do it. I'm too soft. To top it all off, he still thinks that HE'S the one that's suffering. That HE'S the one putting up with something unpleasant in this relationship. He'd think that I'd only break up with him because what he assumed is true and that I wanted to talk to this other guy. I don't. I want to break up with him because his immature ways are making me absolutely fucking miserable. And hell, I can count on both hands how many people would be happy that I finally cut him out of my life.

But I can't, can't, can't!

Hunter's moral backbone has severe scoliosis and I feel like I have to stick around and be his brace. If I don't expose him to what's right and untwisted, who will? How will he ever be able to find the light if there is no one to show him the way, never mind that it even exists? Even if I gave up, even if I left him and tried to find happiness elsewhere, I could meet someone else who is exactly like Hunter in every way but totally mature and untwisted and I still wouldn't be happy. I don't want the Hunter I'm with, but I only want the Hunter that I hope he will become. And no one else can be that person except him.

Unfortunately, no one else can help him become that person, either.

God, what am I gonna do? I just need a miracle. Just one miracle. It doesn't have to happen in a snap. That's TOO miraculous. But I need evidence that a slow miracle is in progress, that a happy, healthy relationship will be achieved eventually. I'm begging you, just give me a hint.

Is the fact that I can't be comfortable with letting him go my hint, or is it just because I'm too stupid and weak?




please halp