when life gives you lemons

seep and burn in the juice.

I feel like chugging Clorox bleach! Anyone want to take a guess as to why?

Hunter's pulling his "I'm not happy" bullshit when I've already denied all of his assumptions and proved my trustworthiness. A year ago today, I swore I'd never be a flirt again, and I've stayed true to my word. But no, he's still blaming me for making him paranoid and distrustful, when in anyone else's mind I should've already reversed that damage. What sucks the most is I'm not even surprised. Hunter never takes the blame. He'll blame everyone else around him for the little monster that he is, but he won't blame himself. Oh no. It's not his fault. Never his fault.

There are so many things wrong with him. Like I just said, he blames other people for causing him to have so many flaws, when he really just doesn't have the balls to accept that no one fucked him up but himself. He cannot empathize with all the pain I went through when he dumped me. He still can't accept that his reasons for ever breaking up with me, all three reasons, were flimsy and stupid. He's selfish. He blames me for being a worrywart about our relationship, when I have every reason to be, and he actually gave me the reasons to be. It's always HIS pain, MY fault, when it's really the other way around. But oh no, I'M the selfish one for thinking that. I was the one who cheated and shit, right? Bullshit, all I ever really did was talk to people! You want me to cheat?! I can show you cheating, buddy. I can give you a real problem to worry about. Fuck. Opportunities fell at my feet when we broke up last time. I wouldn't have to worry about feeling lonely, that's for fucking sure. It would be entirely your loss.

Damn it, I want nothing more than to brutally dump his childish, whiny little bitch ass right now, but it wouldn't help him achieve the enlightenment that I wish it would. He'd only use that against me when I inevitably take him back. And besides, I would never break anything off via internet. But even if I had him face to face, I just can't do it now. And definitely not as powerfully as I want to, i.e. sealed with a slap. I just can't do it. I'm too soft. To top it all off, he still thinks that HE'S the one that's suffering. That HE'S the one putting up with something unpleasant in this relationship. He'd think that I'd only break up with him because what he assumed is true and that I wanted to talk to this other guy. I don't. I want to break up with him because his immature ways are making me absolutely fucking miserable. And hell, I can count on both hands how many people would be happy that I finally cut him out of my life.

But I can't, can't, can't!

Hunter's moral backbone has severe scoliosis and I feel like I have to stick around and be his brace. If I don't expose him to what's right and untwisted, who will? How will he ever be able to find the light if there is no one to show him the way, never mind that it even exists? Even if I gave up, even if I left him and tried to find happiness elsewhere, I could meet someone else who is exactly like Hunter in every way but totally mature and untwisted and I still wouldn't be happy. I don't want the Hunter I'm with, but I only want the Hunter that I hope he will become. And no one else can be that person except him.

Unfortunately, no one else can help him become that person, either.

God, what am I gonna do? I just need a miracle. Just one miracle. It doesn't have to happen in a snap. That's TOO miraculous. But I need evidence that a slow miracle is in progress, that a happy, healthy relationship will be achieved eventually. I'm begging you, just give me a hint.

Is the fact that I can't be comfortable with letting him go my hint, or is it just because I'm too stupid and weak?




please halp