oddities

I've only been posting on odd-numbered days since August began. Tomorrow I'll try to get out of that pattern.

But what, really, is there to talk about? I guess I could recount the adventures of my subconscious.

Last night I had a dream that Hunter and two other guys asked me to hang out at the same time in three different places. Hunter wanted to go for a drive and stargaze. The other guy wanted to go to a classy, candlelit restaurant; the sophisticated kind of thing that you wear your little black dress to. The remaining guy invited me to a six-man game of paintball where I'd be used as a secret sniper, and then set on his back to shoot while he goes for the other team's flag. Which really sounds like something Alex would want to do, but I don't remember if it was Alex who asked to hang in the dream. I only remember being propositioned by three separate message boxes via MSN. It was some warm day in June, and they all wanted to pick me up at 8 p.m.

It seemed to be set a few years into the future, in some big city. That may have been why the other two guys didn't have names or faces applied to them, they just represented a general type of guy that I've only seen samples of so far. The classic romantic, the mischievous flirt, and the...Hunter. However the hell you categorize him.

In the dream, Hunter didn't know either of the others existed. Which is obvious, because I know that if he was ever aware of having any sort of competition he wouldn't have asked to hang out with me at all. He'd just sulk and hope that I come to him, and damn it if I always have. Bah. But anyhow, the other two knew of Hunter. One accepted Hunter's presence in my heart and openly did his best to win me over, and the other just showed off and pretended I was never preoccupied with anyone else to begin with.

I never decided.

I can't let Hunter get away with kicking back for the most part of this relationship anymore. I know what true devotion is supposed to feel like, and I'm not getting it. I don't want to show mine anymore if I can't have something in return.

That's just not how it's supposed to be.

I want to be kissed first. I want to be surprised. I want to hear so much autonomous sweet stuff that I don't even know I how to respond, and that's not because I want to be worshiped, but because when someone is in love they shouldn't be able to stop themselves from saying and doing something nice constantly. I want to be appreciated for every facet of my personality and the likes and dislikes that result from it. I want passion and intensity and a healthy dose of sentimental spontaneity. I want balance. I want to never have a thing to worry about. I want to never have a doubt in my mind. I want plans to fall into place instead of fall apart. I want to inspire soul-searching and self-improvement. I want everything to be expressed. I want to work through a problem without one harsh word. I want unwavering consistency, even through the toughest of times.

I want something real.
I don't think you can give it to me.





I wish you could.