level 99 mewtwo

I want this to the point where I consider all aspects of it, and it's beginning to feel very delicate. In what ways are we compatible, in what ways could he or I possibly end up irking the other, in what ways will those shortcomings have to strike a balance...it doesn't weigh terribly heavily on my mind, but I do set aside some time every day to think about it.

I should probably stop having such high hopes. But it's...really great. I'm afraid I can't deny that I owe a fairly large percentage of the cause of my recent euphoria to it.

Not the largest percentage, though!





Ah, things are so good.

I hope they continue to go well. Even if they don't, I'll be glad just to have had this experience...and who's to say it couldn't possibly continue at a later point in time?



But...I definitely want them to go well for a very long while.

fuck, that's so good

There have been so many new developments in my life in the past week that I just haven't really been able to update properly. My thoughts and feelings have shifted radically throughout Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and I'm feeling pretty incredible. Too incredible to describe properly in words. All I can say is I really can't wait to see how the rest of my life is going to pan out with my new mindset and opportunity.

It's a bit bittersweet, though.

Anyhow, first week of school is over with. I'm a lot more familiar with Mrs. Britt and the Health Occ. chicks and things are feeling less new and more comfortable now. I scored the highest on an AP practice test today, brag brag boast boast. I feel alright about my comprehensive skills but they could be a far stretch better. When Mom gets home I'm going to give her the list of everything I plan to read and have her check off which ones should be my first priority. I feel like hitting up the Shakespeare first though, so I might read some new ones and go more in-depth on the ones I've always liked but never really seriously studied. Then I'll go about finding all the books I should read. I really might not even read some of them if I can't get into them yet...I can only absorb from that which I'm truly interested in. I might as well save some for later literary ventures, when I reach levels of wisdom that can only be attained with the passage of time. We'll see how things go.

I'm having a lot of fun learning medical terminology and abbreviations. During downtime I'm either looking through all of those, or checking out the list of suffixes and prefixes, since all the cranio- cardio- cheerio- what have you form the basis of medical jargon. Lovin' that Latin, haaaay.

All nerding around aside, the thing about Health Occ is that every girl in there, the teacher included, are soft, simple-and-sensibly-minded maternal women. I have the only potential doctor edge in the class. Not that I'm bragging. It's just everyone's vibe. I'm not maternal, I'm a companion. Besides that, my thing for English helps me along. I finish work faster, rephrase concepts in concise manners, and, according to my classmates, "use big words."

It's just not exactly easy to learn from Mrs. Allgood, because she is, after all, a nurse, and for the most part she can better associate with and teach potential nurses. Really lovely lady, our vibes just...don't quite mesh. I'll learn everything she has to offer, though. And I don't think it would hurt to incorporate a little of that maternal vibe into myself, but I don't plan on forcing anything. Whatever feels natural.

Besides, everyone I know would be like wtfbbq if I suddenly became all motherly and cuddly. Do not want.





...I really wonder what will happen in the next couple of months.

shitty screamo band

You were never one to make the first move.
It was only during your most desperate moments that you were as selfless and attentive as you should've always been. As open and vulnerable as you never should have feared being.
But I never really had a problem with kissing you first.
Being the one to reach for your hand or initiate a hug.
Holding your gaze,
and your face in my hands,
trying to convey the true extent of my feelings,
trying to express just how deeply I felt for you through as many facets as I could.




Last first day of high school! It went pretty typically. Long, boring assembly, skewed schedule for the rest of the day. I was really happy to see Mallory and Sam and Anna. Oh, and I have great teachers this year. I'm in a bit of a rush to complete some character analyses so this will be a fairly short entry, but my schedule is basically worker class slacker class worker class slacker class and then three heavenly hours (not sarcasm) of Health Occupations with the angel that is Mrs. Allgood. Lives up to her name, that's for damn sure. So I'm extremely pumped for the year, and I will provide further details soon.

Hunter didn't weigh too heavily on my heart while I was preoccupied at school. He set back in as soon as I came home, though. This feels just like the end of junior year. Go to school, hunky dory. Come back home, blue again.

Bah. Waiting, waiting. Same ol', same ol'.

heart hungover

Morning after is always the toughest.

I had an interesting dream last night. I was helping a group of friends infiltrate some kind of vampire clan while they were having a banquet, and I had to turn into a vampire to do it. It was in the basement of an abandoned building. I had to wear a hooded cape that hid my entire body, and a black satin dress that was ruched and fitted in the perfect places. In fact, the only thing I wore that wasn't black were a pair of deep red stilettos. Damn, I would love to have those shoes in real life. And the dress too, for that matter.

Anyway, I arrived at the banquet and drank some kind of sweetened, diluted grape juice mixed with blood from a crystal goblet while making small talk with old, veteran vampires. They kept talking about how they were literally and figuratively femme fatale in their younger years. They all had very long, silver hair and dark eyes that were so red I thought they were black until the dim light from the candle chandeliers illuminated them. Everyone had on a pair of the same stilettos, but they wore red lipstick to match, and I didn't have any lipstick on.

Before I left I had to donate ten dollars to the cause of their cremation (I guess vampires aged in my dream) but I got the money wrong. The 1 dollar bills they used were the same as ours, but the embellishments along the borders were bright turquoise, and for some reason 5 dollar bills were just holographic cards with the number 5 on them.

So apparently this information about the money was key to my investigation, and after making a flimsy excuse about how I'm terrible with money and had gotten mine mixed up with human money, I left. They apparently let the younger vamps leave earlier because we had humans to seduce anyway. There weren't any men there, aside from who I assume was Dracula sitting at the end of the table looking sullen.

Afterwards my friends and I regrouped at someone's apartment and had some long-winded discussion about the import of what I'd discovered. Then someone in the group commented that I look very fitting as a vampire. They said they still saw me in my eyes. I looked in the mirror and saw that despite the fact my eyes had gone from brown to an eerie light red, I still had the green spirals. Then I woke up.

I can't understand why I had a vampire dream. I don't read the Twilight series. I'm actually an avid anti-fan. It was really neat, though.

oh dear god

if I see one more thing passively directed at me I'm going to burst into tears






why do you like to make things so ridiculously difficult

why do I post so many entries in one day




I was doing just fine because I thought you hated my guts, and I could accept that. I don't want you to leave. I just want you to accept the way I love. I want you to be patient with me the way I'm patient with you.



I want to talk.











I guess I'll just give things some time, like always

BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH

for the record

That "competition" you referred to never existed, but people who wanted to be with me did.

I just didn't tell you because you wouldn't understand. Besides, I could just never consider them competition.

I love you too much.

Scoff all you want.




It sucks, because out of every guy I know, you're the only one who can't appreciate me and how much I have to offer. And no, they don't just want to have sex with me. If the guy is smart enough to appreciate me, then he's not shallow enough just to want sex. And really, I'm no idiot. I would be able to tell if someone only wanted to get@that and blow.


Stop fighting via status and I'll stop bitching via blog.

Besides, you're the one who immediately ran back to...well. Need I say it?





Whatever, saw it coming. Miss you~

expletive

aw fuck.

Who am I kidding, I feel like shit.

burned away

So as soon as everything about my relationship and our separate ways to love becomes abundantly clear to me, ssshkapow. He breaks things off. I guess it was well-timed. I would've only suffered, I suppose...

This is sounding overly...neutral, considering. I am sad, the little bottle of sleeping pills sitting at the top of the computer monitor is representative of that. But both of my control centers, i.e. brain and heart, have either shut down or gone haywire, so I'm running on a reserve tank at the moment and obviously it's carefree and passively optimistic. Probably because it knows it has to combat a suicidal urge reflex. Flowers n' bunnies, flowers n' bunnies.

A new option has popped up, and his name's not Alex. I have to admit that he might be half the reason that I'm handling this so well, but I can't say I'm not just used to getting dumped. Anyway, that's all I care to divulge about him at the present time. I feel I must not neglect to mention that the actual Alex is coming through for me already via humorously themed texts, Breah's being supportive too, and I'm sure Jared will throw another party when I tell him. Mom will be home in fourteen days, too. So it's good. When my reserve tank runs out I'll have my safety net.

I know I'm playing the waiting game again, and normally I'm more conscious about what I do during breakups so I don't permanently screw any chances of getting back together, but fuck it if I can't seem to give a shit.

I'm gonna have some good, clean, fun.

A HELL of a lot of it.

far reaches

You seem like some distant dream. Like I had only imagined you all along. I can trace the edge of your face in my mind's eye, the width of your back and the small pout of your mouth. You stand there, slouched and sullen, the contour of your youthful shape set afire by some light that I couldn't be less interested in the origin of.

You, the apple of my eye.
I, a stupid Snow White.

I want to touch you. You look like you'd burn right through me, but that's not an excuse, merely an observation. An observation that I'm going to wave away like a wispy tendril of smoke when it should be as ominous as a thick black thundercloud. I'm going to touch you anyway. Time and the consequent increased awareness has done nothing to stop me, it makes me feel the pain more acutely but I can't step away from the flame.

You flex absentmindedly and glance at me with an expression I can't read. I can never read you right away. We speak two different languages. We embody two different languages. They are written in our eyes, our movements, etched on our souls. We can convey them with the simplest glance, the slightest gesture. We are the masters of our respective tongues.

I have somewhat deciphered yours. You consider mine blasphemy; incomprehensible babble, and so you turn a deaf ear. The only language you've ever known was yours, and hers. It was screamed in your ears and clawed into your chest.

There was never a purer, sweeter sound, but all you hear are warbled chords. I can only hope that my eyes will speak volumes above my voice, that it will clear the static that separates us.





It is the angels' song


and it is the same in every language.

you're never gonna get it

never going to fucking get it.

and neither are you, or you, or you, or him, or her, or them, or those guys, or your mom, or his mom, or her mom, or their dog, or anyone at all, no one is going to understand





you don't get it at all
I can say it in ten languages and you still won't get it

anna bahebek
je t'aime
ich liebe dich
s'ayapo
es tev milu
ya vas lublu
ti amo
kocham cie
volim te
wo ai ne




Egyptian, French, German, Greek, Latvian, Ukrainian, Italian, Polish, Serbian, Mandarin












love might as well be a foreign language to you


but I've been teaching you for so long







how hard could it be?

miscommunimacations

it's the last Saturday of my pre-senior summer. Slacker days oh-eight is oh-ver, and what have I accomplished? What have you accomplished?

I hope you know, and only deny.

Oh God, I hope you know. You don't even have to say it. Just stop saying it's something else. It's so easy to see. So easy to be.





Everything should be this easy.
You're the only person who could possibly make it difficult.








You're the only person I love.

oddities

I've only been posting on odd-numbered days since August began. Tomorrow I'll try to get out of that pattern.

But what, really, is there to talk about? I guess I could recount the adventures of my subconscious.

Last night I had a dream that Hunter and two other guys asked me to hang out at the same time in three different places. Hunter wanted to go for a drive and stargaze. The other guy wanted to go to a classy, candlelit restaurant; the sophisticated kind of thing that you wear your little black dress to. The remaining guy invited me to a six-man game of paintball where I'd be used as a secret sniper, and then set on his back to shoot while he goes for the other team's flag. Which really sounds like something Alex would want to do, but I don't remember if it was Alex who asked to hang in the dream. I only remember being propositioned by three separate message boxes via MSN. It was some warm day in June, and they all wanted to pick me up at 8 p.m.

It seemed to be set a few years into the future, in some big city. That may have been why the other two guys didn't have names or faces applied to them, they just represented a general type of guy that I've only seen samples of so far. The classic romantic, the mischievous flirt, and the...Hunter. However the hell you categorize him.

In the dream, Hunter didn't know either of the others existed. Which is obvious, because I know that if he was ever aware of having any sort of competition he wouldn't have asked to hang out with me at all. He'd just sulk and hope that I come to him, and damn it if I always have. Bah. But anyhow, the other two knew of Hunter. One accepted Hunter's presence in my heart and openly did his best to win me over, and the other just showed off and pretended I was never preoccupied with anyone else to begin with.

I never decided.

I can't let Hunter get away with kicking back for the most part of this relationship anymore. I know what true devotion is supposed to feel like, and I'm not getting it. I don't want to show mine anymore if I can't have something in return.

That's just not how it's supposed to be.

I want to be kissed first. I want to be surprised. I want to hear so much autonomous sweet stuff that I don't even know I how to respond, and that's not because I want to be worshiped, but because when someone is in love they shouldn't be able to stop themselves from saying and doing something nice constantly. I want to be appreciated for every facet of my personality and the likes and dislikes that result from it. I want passion and intensity and a healthy dose of sentimental spontaneity. I want balance. I want to never have a thing to worry about. I want to never have a doubt in my mind. I want plans to fall into place instead of fall apart. I want to inspire soul-searching and self-improvement. I want everything to be expressed. I want to work through a problem without one harsh word. I want unwavering consistency, even through the toughest of times.

I want something real.
I don't think you can give it to me.





I wish you could.

my peach

you were perfect in June.

But now it is August
and you have rotted.





What happened to the Hunter from the first month?



...

I want to list the changes but I can't do it.

















I feel like I've been alive for a thousand years

vying

I feel strange and disoriented, but happy to be where I am, like I've been spinning in circles and I've fallen in flowers and the sky is heaving around me but it's beautiful, it's brilliant, it's so blue, I'm so blue. I'm red and I'm yellow and so deep, deep blue







Ah, it's hard to keep my emotions in check. To keep that perpetual chill mode I've worked so hard to achieve. Then again, I don't think anyone can maintain total cool when things get so heated. But it's true, it will all work out eventually. I just need to keep going with the flow. We'll just have to see.



All of us.