catalyst

I feel so hopeless but strangely hopeful at the same time. Kind of like when I hit that really low point a few months ago, soaping myself for thirty minutes. I guess my brain is doing everything it can to keep me from venturing toward darker thoughts. But this time it's a little different. I don't have that gaping wound feeling that I had when Hunter and I weren't a couple. I feel more like I'm carrying something very heavy instead.

I'm too tired to explain how fucked up things are. Maybe I'll rant some other day, but for now I'd rather just pretend I don't feel horrible.

It's pathetic and almost funny how the first thing I did when I burst out into tears was look over at the little Buddha statue on the bookshelf and scream "why." Well of course that's funny to one of my readers because he's fucking vicious and twisted and has the heartlessness of a serial killer.



me: the way you got so angry about the dress..
me: the reason my dad wants you to pay for that isn't because he wasted money! It's because you broke his daughter's heart and he doesn't want you to do it again! He needs some kind of proof that you even care about me enough to show it through something.
you: Really? I'll pay for that. I don't care.
me: I don't even know why you want to pay for it. It's pointless if you don't understand...
you: He's just whoring you out. For money.
me: He's not whoring me at all
you: Which is cool, I guess.
me: My father would never do that
you: He is. Like right now.
me: what's wrong with you!? He would NEVER do that !
you: He kind of... is.
me: He just wants to know if you're actually serious!
you: Hey, whatever makes you feel better about it.
me: and you won't even talk to him, so how else can he know?!
you: Yes, and to test this, money should be relevant to how much I care. :P Give it up, he's whoring you out. I think you know that.
me: No. I know that he only wants you to pay for the dress because he needs proof that you realize how much you owe my parents. How much you owe them, not in money, but in my heartache. Five months I spent totally heartbroken about you. Money isn't the focus here. You're barely compensating for all the pain.
you: So thats why I'm paying for a dress? LOL. I love your reasoning. I'll pay for your stupid dress, and your dad will have successfully whored you out for money.



When you can read this, and think that not one bit of what you said makes any sense -- or better yet, be disgusted by the way you thought and spoke to me -- then I'll...I'll...I don't know. I hardly have any hope left for my miracle; it would just be a waste of energy to think of what I would do if it ever happened. I don't even have a plan for what I'm going to do from this point.

I am such an idiot for even attempting to explain this. I should've known none of it would work. I guess I just needed to see if you're really as far gone as I think you are.

I don't know. And I'm so tired.

My heart is so heavy.