a second wind

sugar's got a swagger
sittin' pretty, seventeen

Not sure where that came from, but I thought of it today, and I liked the alliteration, so I wrote it down.

I think this entire situation has been physically manifesting itself for the past 36 hours, because I've been constantly feeling like I'm going to gag or pass out. But all it took was one bit of information to suddenly pull me out of that slump.

Rachel took me home today and was talking about how surprised she was that Hunter and I weren't back together yet, and she said "even his friends want you guys back together" the friend in question being Dillon. That is the best thing that anyone could've told me at this point. Even Dillon, who is roughly the same age as Hunter is, knows how stupid this all is. Of course, he'd probably never say anything to Hunter about it, because it just isn't Dillon to judge. I'm not really surprised that he came to this conclusion either, because he's a pretty solid person.

Anyway, it's just comforting as hell knowing that Hunter still has a passively positive influence in his life aside from the idiocy that's being impressed upon him by Ashley.

He's really been going out of control lately. His whoring for attention has reached a whole new level, and I think seeing that might be what made me start feeling so sick to begin with. I realized that all of the actions I assumed were hints toward me were actually just attempts to entertain himself with more people, and I've wanted to puke ever since. He's been advertising his Myspace url and email address all over our forum, and I stumble upon his comments on almost every mutual Myspace friend we had. And he's already commented Ashley's pictures more than he ever commented mine. Blagh.

I want to sit with Dillon for hours and just spill all my guts. I want him to know that I'm not just mindlessly taking this emotional beating for the third time. I am completely clear on the kind of crap that I'm dealing with, and I choose to continue to hold a place in my heart for Hunter no matter how much shit I have to eat along the way. It might not make a difference as far as us getting back together, but I need a new listening ear and a fresh opinion from someone who knows both of us. Jared knows exactly what's going on, but his whole idea of Hunter is based on what I've told him has happened. (For the record, I didn't even need to trash-talk Hunter for Jared to despise him, I only described what he did and has been doing.) So since he has no attachment to Hunter, usually anything he has to say about him is pretty crude and straightforward. But I need that kind of wake-up call, too.

Come to think of it, I have all kinds of people supporting me who cover just about everything there is to offer. My worldly-wise mom, who knows us and cares about us both. Jared, who is extremely grounded and has the strongest moral backbone I've ever seen in someone so near my age. And Alex, who can either make me forget about it for a while or view it more clearly and objectively.

God, I'm so glad that I don't feel sick anymore.