everything and nothing

Tonight Melodie and Jake dragged me out to have some fun for the first time in several weeks. I smiled, I laughed, I struck stupid poses for the camera, I sang along to whatever song they blasted on the stereo. But I didn't feel like I was really there. I watched traffic lights blink and tried to convince myself that my heart was shaped like the simple ones that people draw.

We picked up teas (and Jenni) from Sonic and went to the Halo party at the Solid Rock Church. They have them almost every weekend, but this was the first time I'd ever been. I've never attended because it's pretty much a sausage fest and Hunter would spaz, even though I'm not and never have been interested in any of them. For his sake I've just never gone to one, and it's never really mattered to me anyhow. But that's where Jake decided to take us, so I figured whatever. Hunter's probably got a girlfriend by now anyway, so he shouldn't care if I hang around a few dudes for an hour.

They were up to their usual antics. We hid Jenni's shoes, played Rock Band, watched the guys battle it out on Halo, and ran around screaming and yelling like idiots. I got tickled to the point of almost peeing, because I'd been progressively eating the ice left over in my tea cup the entire time, but at least I got a piggy-back ride out of it. I was serenaded, too, which was hilarious.

By eleven I was home. My dad was playing his music so loud that I almost had to kick down the door to get him to open it. Inconsiderate prick, it was nearing my curfew and he turns up his shit so loud he can't hear me knock? Whatever. I had to plug headphones into my computer and jack the volume up so I could actually even hear my music.

I can't sleep for all the tea I drank, and all the stuff on my mind. I guess I can't purely have fun doing this kind of thing whether I'm with Hunter or not. If I was with Hunter and went to a Halo party, I'd worry that he'd get angry with me for being around a bunch of guys. When I'm not with Hunter I'm miserable no matter how much fun I try to have. Just another one of the many ways that he's ruined my life.

I'm starting to get a headache, and I rarely ever get those. I can't tell if it's because my music has been too loud for too long or if the pain in my heart is metastasizing.

Probably both.

I wish Mom would get online; I really need to talk to her.